


The Trouble with Al

by Ava_now



Series: Barollins AU [10]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Fight, Jealousy, Makeup Sex, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:28:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24906082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: “In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve told you the truth--that I love you and want to be with you, and I’m working things out with Al about Billie.  I thought you got that.  I thought you understood.  Until today, anyway.”“How  understanding am I supposed to be?”  He crossed his arms.  “You treat me like I’m just some weak pussy that you can walk all over.  I may not be the most macho guy you’ve ever dated, but I assure you, I will not be walked all over.”///Their first fight.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Amanda Rollins
Series: Barollins AU [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760629
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	The Trouble with Al

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for coming along for the ride here! If this is your first Barollins story I've authored, I'd like to say I'm so happy you're reading this! Also, if you're interested in any others, I have an entire Barollins AU series that apparently I can't help myself from adding to fairly regularly. And if you're ever interested in chatting or tossing ideas to me, you can DM me on twitter--same name.
> 
> I wanted to comment a second on the title for this one. When you begin reading, it'll become very clear very quickly what the trouble with Al is, and how the title relates. But I stuck with this title for another reason. As the story progresses, in my mind, anyway, Al comes to stand for something else that really has the potential to kill the love between these two if they don't figure it out. So if you're into any kind of symbolism like I am, it might be fun to think of it that way. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story! Kudos and comments really help to keep me motivated and I truly appreciate each and every one I receive. Thanks again for reading!

Checking his watch, Rafael knocked on the door once again. He could hear voices inside, but nobody had opened the door yet. They were supposed to be taking the girls to the children’s museum, so he couldn’t help but wonder what was going on inside the apartment. Briefly, he debated using his key, but before he could, the door opened, revealing Al and Billie.

“Oh, hey Randall!” The surgeon greeted him with a big grin, and Rafael couldn’t help but notice the Rolex on his wrist. The man could sell used cars with that smile, he thought, just as Billie squealed and reached out for him as though he just made her day. “Ha! She likes you. Come on in.” Al held the door for Rafael to enter, then handed him the baby that was wildly swinging her arms toward him.

“It’s Rafael,” he corrected, taking the baby before kissing a smiling Billie’s forehead. “It’s good to see you again, Al.”

“Ah, sorry about that. Rafael...Rafael...why can’t I remember that?” he laughed, then sat on the couch. “I keep telling Amanda she needs a better couch. But hell, who are we kidding? She needs a better apartment.” He fluffed a pillow behind him. “I’d be happy to make that happen for her, but you know women. ‘Miss Independent’ and all, right?” He laughed again, then tilted his head, regarding Rafael and Billie more serenely. “You’ll have to teach me how to do that with her,” he commented, motioning toward the baby. “She, uh, really likes it when you hold her.”

Rafael forced a smile. “She’s very sweet. You just have to talk with her a little...she really likes that, and a little bit of bouncing, especially on the hip if you’re standing with her.”

“Huh. Interesting,” he mused for a second, then called loudly, “Amanda! Your boyfriend’s here!” Turning back to Rafael, he said, “I just thought I’d stop by today and take Amanda and the girls here out to lunch. You guys didn’t have plans, did you? You want to join us?”

Rafael checked his watch again. “Actually, we did have plans...I’m just going to go speak to Amanda for a minute...let me hand Billie back to you...” He passed the baby back to her father. Billie laughed and reached for him again, and he smiled at her but turned and headed down the hallway to Amanda’s bedroom. He already had a knot in his gut, guessing their plans were going to be cancelled once again. 

She was kneeling on the floor fastening Jesse’s sparkly shoes as the little girl sat on the bed, watching her. Amanda looked up at him and sighed, blowing the hair out of her face. “You didn’t get my text, did you?” she asked.

Jesse grinned at him. “Hi Wafi. I’m wearin’ my sparkle shoes again.”

“No, I did not get your text,” he replied, his tone both a little short and a little sharp, then he smiled at Jesse. “Hi Jess. They look good on you, princesa.”

“He was supposed to be on rotation today but got off at the last minute and wanted to take his daughter out.” She stood up and walked into the bathroom to brush her hair. “I can’t tell him no, Rafael. He didn’t get to see her at all last week.”

“That’s his own fault,” Rafael said irritably. “Nobody made him go on a ten-day vacation.”

She turned around to find him right in front of her. “It’s not fair to Billie to tell him no. I can’t do that.”

He sighed. “Fine, Amanda. I”m just getting tired of feeling like your backup plan. This is the second time this month you’ve canceled me for Al.”

“You could go with us,” she said, pulling her hair into a ponytail and grabbing her jacket.

“No thanks. If I want to see that much money thrown around, I’ll go to a casino.”

“AMANDA!” Al was calling from the front room. “YOU READY?”

“You’re welcome to wait here until we get back,” she said, “but we have to go.” She headed out of the bedroom, leaving Rafael standing by the dresser and Jesse sitting on the bed, regarding him.

“Are you mad at Momma, Wafi-Taffy?” she asked, tugging on her sock. When he hesitated, she said, “Don’t be mad. Momma woves you. So do me an’ Billie.” She hopped off the bed and wrapped her little arms around his waist. “Want me to bring you some of my burger?”

“No thanks, Jesse.” He patted her back. “I love you too. Have fun, okay?”

“Jesse!” Amanda called.

“Otay, Wafi,” she said. “Toming!” she called to her mom, and ran out of the bedroom.

Rafael stood still, listening until the front door shut and locked. Then he sat on the bed, trying to decide what to do.

***

He was settled on his couch, reviewing his law lesson for Monday, when she knocked on his door.

He was fairly certain it was her, anyway, for two reasons. First, the front desk knew her and would let her up. Second, her knock was best described as an angry bang. And he was pretty sure that by now she was pissed. He hadn’t waited for her to come home. He hadn’t even humored her by picking up the phone when she had called later in the afternoon. Instead, he had answered her rather long text with, “This isn’t really appropriate to discuss over a text. I can talk tomorrow. I’m free at noon, one, and two p.m. Please pick a time that works with Al’s schedule.” And he had put his phone face-down on the coffee table, a bit of a vengeful feeling of satisfaction in his gut.

After the third knock, he made his way to the door and casually opened it. She was standing there, both hands on her hips, biting her bottom lip, with her hip jutted out. “Noon, one, or two p.m. tomorrow,” he said. “That’s when I’m free to discuss. I mean, if you want.”

“You’re being an asshole, Barba,” she told him. “I already knew you had it in you. You didn’t have to remind me.” And with that, she moved past him, storming into his apartment. He closed the door behind her.

“I’m shocked to see you here, Amanda. I figured you’d still be entertaining Dr. Al.” He took a couple steps toward her, in the middle of the living room, and crossed his arms. “Did you enjoy your escargot? Your five-star french cuisine?”

She pulled back, a stunned look crossing her face. “You think I went because I wanted him to dump money on me? I told you why I went! He hadn’t seen Billie in two weeks and wanted to take her to lunch! You’ve known since day one I don’t trust him alone with her--”

“So instead of working out a reasonable plan for when and how he sees his daughter, I should just be willing to cancel anything when he comes around? Or like now, apparently just be at your beck and call? I don’t know if you’ve realized this, Amanda, but I do have a life. One in which I’ve made you a priority. A top priority. But I’m guessing I’ve moved too quickly?”

“I never said that,” she said stubbornly. “In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve told you the truth--that I love you and want to be with you, and I’m working things out with Al about Billie. I thought you got that. I thought you understood. Until today, anyway.”

“How understanding am I supposed to be?” He crossed his arms. “You treat me like I’m just some weak pussy that you can walk all over. I may not be the most macho guy you’ve ever dated, but I assure you, I will not be walked all over.” 

“Walked all over, huh?” she snapped. “Has it ever occurred to you that given the option, I’d much rather be here with you than at some fancy lunch with Al? Hell, I’d rather be doing anything with you than going to the BEST place with Al.” She shook her head. “You’re really thick, you know that? For one of those genius types, you aren’t putting two and two together.”

His face softened. “I just don’t think it’s reasonable for you to push me aside for Al--”

“I’m not pushing you aside for Al!” she yelled. “I’m pushing you aside for Billie!” 

The sudden realization of the truth of her statement hit him hard. He’d promised her to be supportive, and he had thought he’d been doing that...until now.

He saw the frustration in her face, and he winced at his own selfishness as she continued. “I thought you could handle taking temporary second place so that Billie could get what SHE needs...so she could get time with her father! I never thought you’d put me in a position of having to choose between what my daughter NEEDS and what my boyfriend WANTS.” She shook her head again. “You think I’m walking all over you and I think you’re some pussy? Maybe for once I believed I had a guy who was MAN enough to handle being second for a little while so that my baby could have what she deserves!” Her voice dropped and she held a hand over her eyes. “I thought you loved us all more than that...that you understood more. I’m an idiot.”

She started to cross the room to the door, and he knew if he didn’t move quickly, she’d be gone, perhaps forever. “Amanda, please--” he caught her by the arm and swallowed hard as her eyes settled on his face. “I hadn’t thought about it like that. I’m sorry, honey. I’m really sorry.” He tentatively wrapped his arms around her, staying loose until she stepped into him and put her head on his shoulder. Her body was shaking and she started to cry. He pulled her in tightly, breathing a sigh of relief. At least she hadn’t left. He hadn’t completely blown this. “I’m so sorry, honey...I was wrong.”

“I hate feeling pulled in opposite directions by the people I love,” she said tearfully. “Please don’t ask me to choose you above one of my girls. I can’t do it. I won’t be like my mom. I just won’t.”

“You aren’t,” he reassured her, pulling her back so he could look in her eyes. “You are a wonderful mother. Those girls are so lucky to have you. So am I--I love you, Amanda.”

She stared at him for a moment, deeply, then threw herself forward and kissed him, hard. Her fingers dug into his hair, yanking him toward her. He grabbed her hips, their bodies pressed flush. When she pulled back and rested her forehead against his, he could feel her gasping for breath as he did the same. “I want you,” she said quietly. “I want to believe everything you’ve said to me is true. I want to believe you love me, that I’m a top priority. That I’m a significant relationship for you. That you’re home with me.” She breathed in his space, and swallowed hard. “I’m scared, Rafael. We’ve never argued like this before. And I love you. And I’m terrified that come tomorrow, one of us will walk away.”

“‘Manda.” His forehead was still pressed against hers. “I’m not going anywhere. I know I made a mistake here, but I’m not going to make an unforgivable one. You’re everything.” He caught her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, passionately.

***

They stood next to his bed, still kissing slowly. He was stroking her face gently, slowly, hoping that he was turning on every nerve ending with each touch. He was already half-hard from the passionate kisses they’d shared getting to this room, the delicate touches under her fingers. She touched him as though he were precious, and that stole his breath away.

His fingers were carefully unbuttoning her blouse and easing it from her body, then unhooking her bra and removing it. He tossed both garments into the chair beside the bed, then reached for the button on her jeans as he leaned in and licked into her mouth. A moment later he pulled away, sliding her jeans and panties down, then removing her shoes and clothing so that she was completely nude. He stood up, watching her closely as he took his own clothes off quickly. She went to fold her arms over her breasts, but he caught one in time. “Don’t,” he said. “Don’t hide from me. You’re beautiful and I want to see every inch of you.” Her arms slowly fell back to her sides, and as he came to stand naked in front of her, he noticed she was biting her bottom lip. “Amanda,” he murmured, “you’re so stunningly beautiful.” He stepped forward and embraced her, gently pressing his lips to hers. Her fingers tangled in his hair as they kissed, and he felt her sigh.

He eased her down to the bed and she moved over to the center of it. She reached for the comforter to pull it back but before she could, he was lying against her, his body partially covering hers. His hand was brushing her hair back from her face. “I love you,” he said again, looking into her eyes. “I want to love you forever.” And then his lips were against hers again, touching and tasting and exploring.

Nothing else mattered.

His hands slid over her body, taking in once more the soft, smooth skin. He felt the swell of her breast, the curve and tightening flesh of her nipple. His thumb and forefinger caught it, rolling and twisting until he had to taste, and he bent his head down to capture it in his mouth.

“Rafael,” she murmured, “I love you.” Her hands roamed from his back down to his ass, cupping the cheeks, then massaging until his hand slid down her body to stop on her vulva. She was squeezing his ass, pulling his cheeks apart, and he heard himself moan. “I know,” she whispered back against his mouth, “I know, you feel good to me too.” A moment later she gasped as his fingers penetrated her, slipping gently inside of her wetness.

He felt her hand begin to stroke his cock. Her touch was firm but gentle, just how he liked, and for a second he wondered if he had told her that or if she’d just figured it out. He curved his chest around to kiss her ribcage, her belly, her hip, when she lightly tugged his hair. He lifted his head so he could see her, and felt her thumb slide over the tip of his cock.

“Please fuck me,” she whispered, and a moment later, “I just want to move together.” And then he was over her, lining up, and pecking her lips with his.

“I love you, ‘Manda,” he told her, and he made a point of staring into her eyes as he pushed inside of her body.

“Rafa,” she cried out softly, eyes closing and head turning, and he ran one open hand over her breast and down her side.

“Look at me, hermosa…” His hand traveled back up her body and cupped her face. She slowly opened her eyes as he thrust lightly, and she rolled her hips in return. “I love you, querida. I want you. You matter.”

She lifted her head to kiss him again, holding the back of his head with her hand, and pushed her hips back toward his, following his lead.

They moved in rhythm slowly, then quicker. He found himself getting lost in his own senses--the touch, the taste, the scent of her--and could no longer follow his own train of thought. That was his favorite part of sex with her, losing himself to the point that his own brain stopped its nonstop reasoning, and he was left with random, fleeting thoughts. Thoughts about how beautiful she was, how good she felt to him, how he wanted her to know he wasn’t giving up. He wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t one of  _ them. _

She had wrapped a leg around his waist and was thrusting back against him, and he knew she was close from the way she was moaning. High-pitched, soft, inconsistent sounds as he thrust harder, faster. He felt her fingernails in his back, near his shoulder. “Close, honey?” he ground out, feeling his balls tighten. He slid a hand between them, nestling it over her clit and rubbing clumsily. 

“Yeah...yes...please, don’t stop.” He felt her other leg wrap around him; he pulled his hand back and put one on either side of her head. Lifting up fully until just their pelvises were joined, he thrust forward. Fast, fully sheathing himself over and over. She cried out his name and clutched him, hard, but he continued, losing all thought, losing everything until his eyes seared white light and his body tightened and the only thing he could process was blinding pleasure.

A few moments later, he pulled out and dropped to her side, gasping for breath. He closed his eyes, focusing on getting himself back under control, until he felt her hand toy with his hair. “Tell me again,” she whispered. “Tell me again that I matter.”

He rolled onto his side so he could look at her clearly. She was sweaty and flushed, with a look of doubt on her face that tugged painfully at his heart. He wondered if she believed him at all, that he loved her, if she ever had. “You don’t think anyone can love you, do you?” he asked, resting a hand on her hip.

Her eyes cast downward. “I want to believe you. I want to believe the things you say are true, are possible, that I’m this incredible, wonderful woman you’ve been waiting for. But I’m just me, Rafael. I keep asking myself what could you be seeing that everyone else has missed my whole life?” She shook her head, then looked at him. “Is it the sex? Because you know I’ll sleep with you either way--you don’t have to put on some grand performance about how great I am. I know the sex is good and we can still do it, even if you’ve decided you don’t love me. Plenty of people have friends with benefits--including both of us before. You and Rita, me and Declan...maybe it would be best if we settled for that.”

He lay still, letting her words settle over them silently. His hand on her hip massaged gently in circles despite the silence, though, until he finally spoke. “I’m not good at relationships,” he said, hoping to God he’d be able to express himself clearly. “You know Yelena left me for Alex...my first significant relationship was such a betrayal and a disaster. But I always figured it was because he was better somehow, and that I’d find someone else, but then I didn’t. For years. Then I hooked up with someone I thought I loved and we were together for five years. Five years, Amanda. And I kept thinking, I should feel more, I should want more with this person. I enjoyed the sex, and the companionship was okay, but in the end, I ran away. He gave me an ultimatum of marriage or a breakup. And my answer was a transfer to Manhattan SVU.” He paused, thinking. “I’ve dated other people that I liked and felt compatible with, but nobody that I felt really understood me. Nobody who understood that emptiness, that loneliness that’s just in the pit of my soul, of who I am. That fear of being weak, of not being strong enough to survive life. Of repeating my parents’ mistakes, and running like hell in my own life to keep from letting that happen. That feeling of looking at a photo and thinking, ‘I will do anything within my power to keep from turning into that.’” He reached up and wiped a couple of tears from his eyes. “It was always safer to be alone. Maybe not as fun, or as satisfying, but it was safe. And then here you come, with your sincerity and your humor and your sexiness and strength and your intellect, and I fell in love. I kept coming back. And you kept letting me. Eventually people stop letting me come back, Amanda. Eventually I’m sent away, or they go away. I don’t want you to go away, Mandy. I don’t want you to leave.” His eyes were focused on hers, vision obscured by tears. “I love you and I want you to love me. I’m sorry I made a mistake, and I’m sorry that I’ll make more in the future. I wish I was better for you, so you’d never doubt me. But I love you.” His voice had become shaky and a little gruff. “I do,” he confirmed once more, and then he lay still.

Amanda lay quietly, watching him. “I’m trying to decide,” she finally said, “If my fear of men is enough to justify giving up the best thing that’s quite likely ever happened to me.” She sniffled and wiped her own eyes. “I’m so fucking scared of you. The way you look at me, the way you talk to me. The way you treat me. I’m so afraid I’m going to finally take that leap, let myself believe that you’ll catch me, and you’ll step away and let me fall.” Her eyes teared up again. “When Jesse was born, I promised her I would never put myself in a position where I relied on somebody else to pick me up. I would not do that to her. But now I don’t know what to do, because I’m realizing how much I left out of that equation. I want my girls to see and know love. I want them both to have a man in their lives who loves them, and I want them to see me in a healthy, loving relationship. But also,” she paused, then took a breath, “I deserve it. I deserve to be happy. To be loved.” Cupping his face in one hand, she added, “So do you.”

He turned his face to kiss the soft hand against his cheek, then pulled her closer and brushed his lips against hers. “I love you, ‘Manda. Whatever you decide, I just need you to know...I love you, and I’m not sorry for loving you. I can’t imagine that I ever will be.”

She lay her face on his chest, listening to his heart beat, and he prayed that they both would still be like this tomorrow...warm, safe, and together.

***

He woke up to the soft tapping of rain on the windowsill. The room was dark gray, and for a moment he didn’t think it was morning. He rolled over and, feeling the cool sheet next to him, kept his eyes closed. He tried to breathe calmly, telling himself this wasn’t the end of the world. He’d been through this before and he would survive. But his stomach was knotting and his heart was starting to race, and he felt the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He pressed his palms against his eyelids to ward off the tears and made a quick decision to get up and get dressed. As tempting as it was, he wasn’t going to lay in this bed all day and cry. Especially not when they made love here last night and the pillows still held the scent of her shampoo.

“Good morning,” he heard suddenly, and felt her sit on the bed next to him. “I brought coffee...are you okay?”

He started to laugh, rubbing his eyes and then wiping the tears away. “I thought you left,” he said, and his laughter had an edge of both mania and pain. “I thought you were gone and we were over.”

She snorted. “Are you crazy?” she asked, elbowing him gently. “You must think I am, anyway...crazy enough to give up the best thing I’ve ever had with the best person I’ve ever known…” She sighed then, reaching over to gently stroke his hair out of his face. “I love you, Rafael. At the end of the day, after everything else is said and done, I love you. I  _ want  _ to be with you. If somewhere down the line one of us changes our minds, it’s going to hurt like hell. I think we both know that reality. But I don’t wanna give up what we have in this moment because of something that may happen sometime in the future.” She shook her head. “I love you too much, Rafael. Even if I tried to cut my losses today, I would be devastated. And I don’t want to be devastated.” She lay her hand on his bare chest. “I want to be where I am. In love with you.”

“Amanda.” He held his arms out. “Take your clothes off and get back in bed with me. I don’t intend to let you go until I have to.”

She stood up, smiling, and slipped out of the tee shirt and panties she was wearing, then slid back into bed next to him. “I love you, Mandy,” he said softly, kissing her and tangling his body with hers.

“Mandy, huh?” she teased, kissing his jaw. “It’s amazing the shit I let people get away with when they love me.”

“Well,” he justified, kissing her earlobe, “it’s an amazing love.”

“Now that,” she said, slipping a leg in between his own, “is something I cannot argue with.”


End file.
